Dear KARMA i don’t completely agree with your philosophy!

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Am not a good girl and we both know it, and I stand here, hear people talk about you , your deeds and wonder what you have for me in store. You’ve done me bad a few times but after how evil I’ve been this year, I could ask you when you are going to hit really bad?

When you sow evil that’s what you reap, and there is no compromise! that’s what Karma says. But I have this huge question, we all have excuses for the terrible things we do, some make sense others don’t. Dear Karma there really is no compromise? Not even a little? and how about the bad things that happen to good people do you have an explanation for that?

karma-has-no-deadline-quote-1THE SPIRIT IS WILLING BUT THE FLESH IS WEAK
I intend to do good so many times, to be selfless and loving, and unfortunately it doesn’t necessarily match up the things I do; because its not as automatic as it sounds. And my question is..dear Karma do you even consider my will to be good, or are you always busy keeping your tit for tat philosophy going ??
Sometimes, my heart is full of anger, and resentment and probably wishing death on people I haven’t forgiven yet( because forgiveness is a journey);and it produces negativity around me and leave no place for compassion or love. I don’t think I should have to pay for that, being human allows me to do mistakes and to learn to be better..through them everyday.

karma-2NOT EVERYTHING THAT GOES AROUND SHOULD NECESSARILY COME AROUND
I sin a lot and there isn’t possibly anyway I can pay for that, there is suffering in my life but nothing like the terrible things I’ve done over the years.

If there is someone who did me wrong beyond anger, and in my quest to find peace. i always end up  forgiving. In that case you have no say anymore, when i let go, you must let go too..

THE ASPECT OF YOU THAT I BELIEVE IN 

karma-cleanseI will try everyday to do good , as I remember it, because sometimes I may forget to plant seeds of goodness, and peace around me; but if I fail here and there that doesn’t guarantee am burnt..and finished.

and if i do good i will do it because its right nt because am saving myself from future troubles, they are inevitable in life
Sincerely me

THIS IS WHY I HATE CHRISTMAS (and am not the only one)

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Well did I just say I hate Christmas? i just offended my religious catholic  self, who was supposed to love, cherish and worship Christmas! How can I hate the celebration of the birth of Jesus?  my very own God ? no that’s not what I hate!

I have not always hated Christmas when I was a little girl, I always got new clothes, gifts, treats for Christmas it was all beautiful, and we definitely had to have a Christmas tree. The tree was the biggest deal of it all, i would literally cry for the tree.

As I grew older the excitement fade out.Christmas grew dull, and suddenly there was no tree, none of the things that made me happy. and i became aware of all the disturbing things and thoughts that accompanied Christmas.

 CONGRATULATIONS YOU ARE TRAPPED!!!

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My heart sincerely goes to everyone who is going to be trapped!! In some kind of hypocritical family reunion and be forced to socialize with people they would not want to do anything with. all the annoyingly offensive people on our family tree. The people who have hurt us, or bullied us in some way. because we have to act happy, smile give hugs and compliment,be on our best behavior! BUT no one should ever have to go through that, not for the sake of Christmas!
THE BEFOREs AND THE AFTERs..

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As i write this alot of people have already said this sentence ” his is going to be the first Christmas without him/her”
Having Christmas be more about family and belonging, a lot of things happen over the years and its when everyone is getting together, that many remember the death of a parent, child, spouse , friend.

Something about Christmas aggravates the grief, the loneliness as we remember the good things we aren’t going to share anymore. or the traditions that wont make anymore sense without our loved ones!

WHAT IF MY FAMILY IS AMONG THE BROKEN ONES?

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If not death, alot of other things break our homes and families, separation, conflicts, and divorce..When Christmas happens we are reminded of what was, and what could have been, or if you are a child torn between spending Christmas with which half of the family..or else have to deal with the fact that it doesn’t even feel like Christmas anymore.

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I know deep in my heart, that the joy that Christmas bring to some people and families is real! because the whole context of it is hope, the birth of a savior, a second chance to be reunited with God in our hearts through the messiah!

and my wish for everyone is that this Christmas happens with less drama, less hurt feeling, less loneliness..less misery ..To everyone whose home is broken, to everyone whose lost someone so dear, to everyone who comes from a dysfunctional family, to refugees and everyone else facing hardships this season..

P.S you are not forced to do anything that doesn’t make you feel safe this Christmas

 

do you also have negative feelings towards Christmas? i would like to hear from you! leave a comment

I AM COMPLETE.

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I am complete, when he comes he will be an extension of who I am, as a whole, as someone who already has a defined identity as someone who is enough for living, for being..

I am complete now, and when he comes we will dissolve as two wholes to make something deeper, but am whole, not just a piece cut on something greater, not just a fragment that won’t make sense unadded to ,

I am complete and when he comes he will find me defined , and knowing who  I am, without him, without anyone but the absolute me that is, the absolute me that lives, a life already full

I am complete that when he comes he will find me with no doubts, of whether I like black or blue so that he can be the one to tell me

I am complete, and when he comes he will find me ready not to hide the nakedness of my soul, my known flaws, and mistakes of the past , he will find me living with them as another thing that makes the whole of my completeness

I am complete, with the self, that loves its self, that forgives itself, that is kind to its self…as if towards someone really important and deserving

I am complete, and joy he will find me with, joy he will find me knowing , so that I am ready to give and with open arms to receive, and that the joy he will bring he will find my heart knowing

And in my completeness and his we will extend. To oneness and form a rock…

Enjoying Lazy days..

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I have been on a break for a week now, having a week without assignments, appointments and responsibilities for the first time in a long long time. and i wanted to get the most of it enjoying the stillness of having nothing on my hands, nothing to look forward to, not even socializing. or worrying about how messy my hair gets..craving cake eating fries and  not get depressed about how big my belly gets..

 

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The town has been feeling like a freaking oven !! making all  my enjoying being by myself almost impossible .Because instead of enjoying long hours of sleep i would be restless trying to find what could be the coolest part of the house. Wearing so little to nothing , laying on the floor opening windows and wishing i was in another part of the country

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But then today felt like a celebration because, God finally answered my silent prayers. it rained, i’ve never been desperate for rain before. The weather is not as  cold as i wish it was still, but the wind smells clean  and the earth feels different. and now it feels like a the right place to enjoy doing nothing at least until Monday

i hope everyone is having a lovely or rather acceptable weather to encourage productivity , bring inspiration or help you enjoy doing nothing like myself..

 

LOVE XX

“I HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW IT FEELS”

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[picture found on google]

She is only sixteen and the strongest of all my patients..

When I walked in yesterday she looked so pale but not in a lot of pain, as she usually is.

you haven’t visited me for a while, i smiled,  it was a weekend i don’t work on weekends. here is the Chest X-ray you asked for, it looks perfect no metastases which is good news

And the bad news is you are losing your leg, something i knew from the first time she was admitted. but i never wanted to be the one to break the news , the senior surgeon will be here to take a look at this i said i told her

And there he was, you have cancer, everything shows its a Melanoma and this mass will not disappear we must amputate the leg before it spreads. he camly said

No it can’t be i’d rather die, than lose my leg, she cried but losing a leg is not like losing  life, you are lucky that there are no metastases , yet  i know deep inside there is no luck in having cancer.

I’ve been sick, i’ve endured my share of disastrous physical pain, but i have never had cancer. I’ve never been told that i would lose a leg or an arm. I’ve never had to turn from a functional person to someone who needs the help of people to do every little thing for them.

I  don’t know how to explain that life will go on, that it’s not the end when you still have life. even if it maybe for one more day only. i have never been there and i don’t know how it feels..and neither do i know how to console and comfort my patients.

“Sending sunshine to my patients”

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The difference between gynecology and surgery which is the department am working in this month, is most of the patients  have been in the hospital for so long that to imagine it is depressing.

Another thing is that i know that there are patients whose prognosis is so bad that there are in palliative care only waiting for certain death.Their pain is slow and long.

Others  are patients that are disabled for life, those who become Tetraplegic after a fall or a traffic accident that they have to put up with not being able to do anything for themselves, people whose lives will be changed forever..

These patients have thought me to be grateful for every sunrise i see in the morning, and in my heart i pray and hope for the best for their lives, and serenity to those who are in their last moments.

LOVE AND COURAGE XX

BARE SOUL

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Today i came
Not with colors
Not with secrets
I sailed from the inside

(i came alone)
(and i came to you)

Today i came,
i came bare soul
My heart is naked
My shell is broken
My veil is torn off

(so that you can see)
(and see through all i am)

Love me dear,
love me bare
soul
My secrets told
My spirit raw
Love me like this

(love all that i am)
(and love all that i have)

Copyright © 2016 FofoFlor

life in its beauty and greatness..

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One fascinating thing that came to mind when i thought of the pit that my life seem to have fallen in lately is a diagram of an Electrocardiography its beautiful waves and that only the way they are a part a bit flat another elevated another inverted is the only thing that shows someone has a normal cardiac activity.

and so is life is life is a continuous uniform wave of trouble well some thing is wrong, and neither do i believe i could be a uniform wave of perfection. when life is running a little
low it’s still life in all its beauty and greatness. when life is being like a fragrant rose, its life in its beauty and greatness.

strength will come back to me, the desire to work hard and the hope to prosper because it can’t be a continuous wave of weakness.

sending love and strength to everyne who needs it! xx