1, 2, 3 BLOOOGGG

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When i opened wordpress tonight..the first thing that fell into my eye was the write button. It somehow seems new because i havent blogged in exactly 78690345000 days , well not the exact number but i havent blogged in like forever! days spent not blogging  are days of pain and disappointment in myself..and if i cant write am miserable so i have been miserable since my last blog post!

 

write..it felt like someone was watching me and new i deeply inside need to write. I don’t have to know how, i don’t have to know what, since being in control of that is overrated. Neither am i going to beat myself over why i haven’t blogged in a long time, and how i feel like i have let down my readers. I cant blame myself for that, since my blessing in disguise came as “MEDICAL SCHOOL” if you know what i mean.

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The now is what i have, and let me use it. My one week Christmas break officially starts today! and since i not only hate Christmas but also have no plans for the entire season , other than stay in bed, ignore my face and hair  then eat..and get fat!

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My Christmas present is going to be spamming wordpress with my blogging..until exams do us apart..

I have missed every single thing about wordpress..about blogging, about amazing people and what they have to say through their writing!

MERRY XMAS EVERYONE!!!

 

 

“I HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW IT FEELS”

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[picture found on google]

She is only sixteen and the strongest of all my patients..

When I walked in yesterday she looked so pale but not in a lot of pain, as she usually is.

you haven’t visited me for a while, i smiled,  it was a weekend i don’t work on weekends. here is the Chest X-ray you asked for, it looks perfect no metastases which is good news

And the bad news is you are losing your leg, something i knew from the first time she was admitted. but i never wanted to be the one to break the news , the senior surgeon will be here to take a look at this i said i told her

And there he was, you have cancer, everything shows its a Melanoma and this mass will not disappear we must amputate the leg before it spreads. he camly said

No it can’t be i’d rather die, than lose my leg, she cried but losing a leg is not like losing  life, you are lucky that there are no metastases , yet  i know deep inside there is no luck in having cancer.

I’ve been sick, i’ve endured my share of disastrous physical pain, but i have never had cancer. I’ve never been told that i would lose a leg or an arm. I’ve never had to turn from a functional person to someone who needs the help of people to do every little thing for them.

I  don’t know how to explain that life will go on, that it’s not the end when you still have life. even if it maybe for one more day only. i have never been there and i don’t know how it feels..and neither do i know how to console and comfort my patients.

“Sending sunshine to my patients”

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The difference between gynecology and surgery which is the department am working in this month, is most of the patients  have been in the hospital for so long that to imagine it is depressing.

Another thing is that i know that there are patients whose prognosis is so bad that there are in palliative care only waiting for certain death.Their pain is slow and long.

Others  are patients that are disabled for life, those who become Tetraplegic after a fall or a traffic accident that they have to put up with not being able to do anything for themselves, people whose lives will be changed forever..

These patients have thought me to be grateful for every sunrise i see in the morning, and in my heart i pray and hope for the best for their lives, and serenity to those who are in their last moments.

LOVE AND COURAGE XX

CAN I DO THIS FOR A LIFETIME?

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My first experience in the hospital was nothing like I thought it would be. For the entire first week of my clinicals i was being consumed by a deep dark anxiety. I was scared to death, scared for my life ,i wondered what the hell i was doing there ? in this place where i don’t know where to stand ,how to feel or what to do..??

I know what you are thinking but it not blood that scared me, nor seeing people cut into pieces in the O.R, or the famous childbirth pain. It was not the screaming , the fear, and pain of the patients that I saw. I was scared for me, a thousands questions run through my mind and the one that kept me restless was this CAN I DO THIS FOR A LIFETIME?, is this truly what am settling for ?can i love being in this disgusting place one day ? can i measure up to the ability of the people who spend their days here? HELL NO!

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When i went to medical school everyone said it was a great choice. People encouraged me and said how much it was fulfilling. Being able to help people, and it made sense because i did every minute of my studying with the need to express compassion, to help and make other people’s lives better for whatever it took!

The last 3 years of medical school has been dominated with lots of reading, complicated exams, impossible terminologies, but never had I imagined what it could be when the time came and i was in the hospital for real. and i was there..to put all that in practice..and God knows i didn’t even know how to correctly prepare an injection!preparation-injection-1

After that first week of dread I finally found the answer. i silently watched every doctor, every midwife, anesthetist or nurse. I watched their moves, and discerned which one was right or not, which ones are helpful and i need to learn. i carefully listened to doctors and observed what they did, asking questions and learning unimaginable facts.

I found fulfillment and reason in standing 14 hours in a row fit meant learning how to be a great doctor, i found joy in standing so many hours in the O.R and finally announce to a lady that her enormous tumor was gone. or tell another that she had delivered a healthy baby, and tell another she was going home because she now is well!

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I learnt how to interact with people, happy people and grieving people. How to counsel a patient that has refused an operation that their life depended on it and that it’s the right decision to make. I saw loss, I saw death, i saw sadness ,i touched dead bodies, yet kept my blood cold and my mind reasonable.

Because unconsciously I had found the answer that i can be a doctor and a great one! and that i can deal with all of that happens inside a hospital for a lifetime!

are you comfortable with what you do ? ask yourself if you would do it for a lifetime?

STAY KIND AND COURAGEOUS, Flora xx

life in its beauty and greatness..

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One fascinating thing that came to mind when i thought of the pit that my life seem to have fallen in lately is a diagram of an Electrocardiography its beautiful waves and that only the way they are a part a bit flat another elevated another inverted is the only thing that shows someone has a normal cardiac activity.

and so is life is life is a continuous uniform wave of trouble well some thing is wrong, and neither do i believe i could be a uniform wave of perfection. when life is running a little
low it’s still life in all its beauty and greatness. when life is being like a fragrant rose, its life in its beauty and greatness.

strength will come back to me, the desire to work hard and the hope to prosper because it can’t be a continuous wave of weakness.

sending love and strength to everyne who needs it! xx

“Blood is red, Cyanosis is blue, Med school is a pain”

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Blood is red, Cyanosis is blue, medschool is a pain! but you know what? if this very handsome gentleman  Patrick Dempsey personally came to me and asked me to study my butt off,  i swear would. My grades would magically be at the top of the class instantly. Before i knew it i would be done with medical school. and out there being such a great great doctor!

Well i can put at up his picture on the background of my desktop when i study, but we all know he doesn’t know i am studying,  doesn’t know i need the strongest kind of motivation to keep it together, so slap me back to reality, and listen to me vent!

Am in the middle of some of those simply depressing semesters.wanna know why? haven’t done a single fair leave alone easy exam this whole semester. oh wait except medical ethics, rheumatology, and genetics but that’s all sir.

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One of the most frustrating things about being in medical school is that no matter how sleep deprived, tired , determined, hungry, and pissed off you are, its never enough. You need more. You keep finding out things you were supposed to know. things you must know to survive. and by this I mean make it to the next year without landing in a psychiatric hospital or else dropping out.

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Truth be told am not even one of the nerds! I have a rather relaxed kinda life style. you see me blogging all the time don’t you?, i do party, fool around, watch movies and make back and forth trips to town.

Even if I would say I don’t read much I actually do. We all do its just that we do it differently . Some go cold turkey others seek a little more fun and life into the whole experience without forgetting to panic about exams.

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I may seem not very dedicated, but boy am I trying so hard?I want to learn all these insanely complicated things so i can be able to serve ,to care , to help people. That is where my sole motivation lies. At times I just read through notes very quickly so I can pass the next exam. but that is not my goal, my goal is the overall making it, serving with my whole heart!

Bottom line is can somebody pray for me or at least give me a virtual hug?

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P.S if you read this whole post , and all my venting you are a star!