My first experience in the hospital was nothing like I thought it would be. For the entire first week of my clinicals i was being consumed by a deep dark anxiety. I was scared to death, scared for my life ,i wondered what the hell i was doing there ? in this place where i don’t know where to stand ,how to feel or what to do..??
I know what you are thinking but it not blood that scared me, nor seeing people cut into pieces in the O.R, or the famous childbirth pain. It was not the screaming , the fear, and pain of the patients that I saw. I was scared for me, a thousands questions run through my mind and the one that kept me restless was this CAN I DO THIS FOR A LIFETIME?, is this truly what am settling for ?can i love being in this disgusting place one day ? can i measure up to the ability of the people who spend their days here? HELL NO!
When i went to medical school everyone said it was a great choice. People encouraged me and said how much it was fulfilling. Being able to help people, and it made sense because i did every minute of my studying with the need to express compassion, to help and make other people’s lives better for whatever it took!
The last 3 years of medical school has been dominated with lots of reading, complicated exams, impossible terminologies, but never had I imagined what it could be when the time came and i was in the hospital for real. and i was there..to put all that in practice..and God knows i didn’t even know how to correctly prepare an injection!
After that first week of dread I finally found the answer. i silently watched every doctor, every midwife, anesthetist or nurse. I watched their moves, and discerned which one was right or not, which ones are helpful and i need to learn. i carefully listened to doctors and observed what they did, asking questions and learning unimaginable facts.
I found fulfillment and reason in standing 14 hours in a row fit meant learning how to be a great doctor, i found joy in standing so many hours in the O.R and finally announce to a lady that her enormous tumor was gone. or tell another that she had delivered a healthy baby, and tell another she was going home because she now is well!
I learnt how to interact with people, happy people and grieving people. How to counsel a patient that has refused an operation that their life depended on it and that it’s the right decision to make. I saw loss, I saw death, i saw sadness ,i touched dead bodies, yet kept my blood cold and my mind reasonable.
Because unconsciously I had found the answer that i can be a doctor and a great one! and that i can deal with all of that happens inside a hospital for a lifetime!
are you comfortable with what you do ? ask yourself if you would do it for a lifetime?
STAY KIND AND COURAGEOUS, Flora xx