“I HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW IT FEELS”

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[picture found on google]

She is only sixteen and the strongest of all my patients..

When I walked in yesterday she looked so pale but not in a lot of pain, as she usually is.

you haven’t visited me for a while, i smiled,  it was a weekend i don’t work on weekends. here is the Chest X-ray you asked for, it looks perfect no metastases which is good news

And the bad news is you are losing your leg, something i knew from the first time she was admitted. but i never wanted to be the one to break the news , the senior surgeon will be here to take a look at this i said i told her

And there he was, you have cancer, everything shows its a Melanoma and this mass will not disappear we must amputate the leg before it spreads. he camly said

No it can’t be i’d rather die, than lose my leg, she cried but losing a leg is not like losing  life, you are lucky that there are no metastases , yet  i know deep inside there is no luck in having cancer.

I’ve been sick, i’ve endured my share of disastrous physical pain, but i have never had cancer. I’ve never been told that i would lose a leg or an arm. I’ve never had to turn from a functional person to someone who needs the help of people to do every little thing for them.

I  don’t know how to explain that life will go on, that it’s not the end when you still have life. even if it maybe for one more day only. i have never been there and i don’t know how it feels..and neither do i know how to console and comfort my patients.

The lovely blog award!

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Despite the fact that i haven’t been an active blogger in the past month, i have been surprised to be nominated for several blogging awards and all times i was like seriously? do people even still read my blog but one rare trait of wordpress especially my readers is loyalty i thank this amazing woman SUZE from SUZILAND.NET, who believes in my writing and thinks its a lovely blog i have here. and also because of the loveliness of my blog i got nominated by NAM  from REALITY THROUGH FICTION! so lets get this done

The rules

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7 THINGS ABOUT ME

1.I only look good with short hair, well its not a rational but many would agree!

2.What i was born with is an artistic mind, that sings, draws, and writes but i feel called to do medicine and nothing is more thrilling , yet writing is my first love.

3. Am more motivated to do things at the last minute especially studying for my exams (am not proud of it)

4. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder

5. Most people think am quiet, but heck am not!

6.Am  a first class insomniac

7. The easiest thing for me to write is poetry

 

MY NOMINEES

1. Happily eller after her blog is new but really lovely

2. Pleasant street deep sensual poetry

3.Simple dimple writes in a fun and sweet way

4.Over analyzing literature i love this blog simply

5.Reality through fiction this is one of those blogs i can nominate for any kind of awards because it’s so worth it!

6.Her breaking point strong beautiful woman that inspires me to be great and proud of who i am through her poetry and other posts

7.Sacred touches amazing inspirations and musings for each day

8. Ancient skies five star poetry!

9.Home hugs and huskies this is another blog i would nominate for any kind of award without a second thought i love this blog

10. Victor not Victim i admire how brave you are to tell your story through your posts and it inspires me to not be afraid of my own truths your blog is lovely

well i could go on and on, but i have more than a hundred lovely blogs in my reader,

P.s no need to post this again if you have already been nominated, but its good for you to know i thought you are deserving!

love and kindness xx

 

Once again last night

 

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Once again last night

i woke up sweating from our endless race

at your mercy, you have me whole

you are my guardian angel,

and a merciless predator

you are my safe haven

if  am not in perfect denial

 

once again last night

i woke up tormented from your voice

your monstrous ways, never ending as they are

you affectionate motherly ways

if am  not another motherless child

 

Copyright © 2016 FofoFlor

 

“Sending sunshine to my patients”

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The difference between gynecology and surgery which is the department am working in this month, is most of the patients  have been in the hospital for so long that to imagine it is depressing.

Another thing is that i know that there are patients whose prognosis is so bad that there are in palliative care only waiting for certain death.Their pain is slow and long.

Others  are patients that are disabled for life, those who become Tetraplegic after a fall or a traffic accident that they have to put up with not being able to do anything for themselves, people whose lives will be changed forever..

These patients have thought me to be grateful for every sunrise i see in the morning, and in my heart i pray and hope for the best for their lives, and serenity to those who are in their last moments.

LOVE AND COURAGE XX

BARE SOUL

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Today i came
Not with colors
Not with secrets
I sailed from the inside

(i came alone)
(and i came to you)

Today i came,
i came bare soul
My heart is naked
My shell is broken
My veil is torn off

(so that you can see)
(and see through all i am)

Love me dear,
love me bare
soul
My secrets told
My spirit raw
Love me like this

(love all that i am)
(and love all that i have)

Copyright © 2016 FofoFlor

CAN I DO THIS FOR A LIFETIME?

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My first experience in the hospital was nothing like I thought it would be. For the entire first week of my clinicals i was being consumed by a deep dark anxiety. I was scared to death, scared for my life ,i wondered what the hell i was doing there ? in this place where i don’t know where to stand ,how to feel or what to do..??

I know what you are thinking but it not blood that scared me, nor seeing people cut into pieces in the O.R, or the famous childbirth pain. It was not the screaming , the fear, and pain of the patients that I saw. I was scared for me, a thousands questions run through my mind and the one that kept me restless was this CAN I DO THIS FOR A LIFETIME?, is this truly what am settling for ?can i love being in this disgusting place one day ? can i measure up to the ability of the people who spend their days here? HELL NO!

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When i went to medical school everyone said it was a great choice. People encouraged me and said how much it was fulfilling. Being able to help people, and it made sense because i did every minute of my studying with the need to express compassion, to help and make other people’s lives better for whatever it took!

The last 3 years of medical school has been dominated with lots of reading, complicated exams, impossible terminologies, but never had I imagined what it could be when the time came and i was in the hospital for real. and i was there..to put all that in practice..and God knows i didn’t even know how to correctly prepare an injection!preparation-injection-1

After that first week of dread I finally found the answer. i silently watched every doctor, every midwife, anesthetist or nurse. I watched their moves, and discerned which one was right or not, which ones are helpful and i need to learn. i carefully listened to doctors and observed what they did, asking questions and learning unimaginable facts.

I found fulfillment and reason in standing 14 hours in a row fit meant learning how to be a great doctor, i found joy in standing so many hours in the O.R and finally announce to a lady that her enormous tumor was gone. or tell another that she had delivered a healthy baby, and tell another she was going home because she now is well!

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I learnt how to interact with people, happy people and grieving people. How to counsel a patient that has refused an operation that their life depended on it and that it’s the right decision to make. I saw loss, I saw death, i saw sadness ,i touched dead bodies, yet kept my blood cold and my mind reasonable.

Because unconsciously I had found the answer that i can be a doctor and a great one! and that i can deal with all of that happens inside a hospital for a lifetime!

are you comfortable with what you do ? ask yourself if you would do it for a lifetime?

STAY KIND AND COURAGEOUS, Flora xx

“ACHES”

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Aches have been pulling me up like stitches
this agony of wanting you..
the insatisfaction of having you
but not having you whole
having only a half of you

aches in my nails that want to be dug deep in you
close but not close enough , wondering

how close enough would be enough for me?
even inside of your skin would feel like miles away

aches running in the veins of me
wondering if only it could be, then how it could be?
loving you..but not loving you only
loving you that it couldn’t feel any more lonely

aches creep up like an incurable illness
in my diseased conscience..
effects of your careless tenderness burn
aches, a muse to my kind of scared loving
silencing this evil yearning..
born of our midnight sinning

aches like a much cruel sentence
but guilty I plead endless
and endlessly I will ache..for you

 

 

life in its beauty and greatness..

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One fascinating thing that came to mind when i thought of the pit that my life seem to have fallen in lately is a diagram of an Electrocardiography its beautiful waves and that only the way they are a part a bit flat another elevated another inverted is the only thing that shows someone has a normal cardiac activity.

and so is life is life is a continuous uniform wave of trouble well some thing is wrong, and neither do i believe i could be a uniform wave of perfection. when life is running a little
low it’s still life in all its beauty and greatness. when life is being like a fragrant rose, its life in its beauty and greatness.

strength will come back to me, the desire to work hard and the hope to prosper because it can’t be a continuous wave of weakness.

sending love and strength to everyne who needs it! xx