When i woke up today, the first thing that came to mind was the plans i visualized yesterday. The plans of what a perfect and fulfilling day,i would make it.Starting by spending time meditating and praying in the quiet of a a church. Like any other devout catholic would do on good Friday!
By the looks of the day and the feeling inside as i struggled to get out of bed.I knew it was going to be one of those days! Those days when i wake up and have to decide if I should shower or not, if i am going to show up or simply hide behind the walls of my dead quiet room. Today was one of those days where the tight sexy dress doesn’t feel right to wear and neither the loose long outfits i have does. My heart had sold me out to the demons again.
There are days when I wake up and everything flows naturally. I wake up know the answers to everything, know where to go, what do to and how to do it. and on those days i fool myself into believing, am one of those people who have got it all under control. That’s if they even exist at all. Normally 9 out of 10 mornings i wake up completely off the hook, feeling like am recovering from the hangover of being drunk on living for too long.
Then i take a few minutes and a few deep breaths and beg my heart to take me to that place. to my faith, the hope that something will unfold in the day. That i will learn something new,or be blessed with a new dose of patience, acceptance and peace. I remember all the days i made it work, and like a flower blooming i get energized into the unstoppable woman i am. On those days i feel worthy of self-love and i feel like my existence isn’t that ridiculous after all!
But deep inside I know that when the heart closes me out, keeps me away from self love, is when i need it the most. I know there are happy endings of many the stories in my life. i just need to remember how much i’ve endured. How many more times i can go through fire and come out unburnt! and that alone can fight the anxiety of keeping it all together. The weak me that isn’t the overall of who I am, but a part to embrace about human nature and growing the strength to still keep balance in days, where my motivation is hard to reach. to remember that the fire is still alive in me, and that i can reach it.
” I JUST NEED TO REMEMBER HOW MUCH I’VE ENDURED, AND HOW MANY MORE TIMES I CAN GO THROUGH FIRE AND COME OUT UNBURNT”