Dear KARMA i don’t completely agree with your philosophy!

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Am not a good girl and we both know it, and I stand here, hear people talk about you , your deeds and wonder what you have for me in store. You’ve done me bad a few times but after how evil I’ve been this year, I could ask you when you are going to hit really bad?

When you sow evil that’s what you reap, and there is no compromise! that’s what Karma says. But I have this huge question, we all have excuses for the terrible things we do, some make sense others don’t. Dear Karma there really is no compromise? Not even a little? and how about the bad things that happen to good people do you have an explanation for that?

karma-has-no-deadline-quote-1THE SPIRIT IS WILLING BUT THE FLESH IS WEAK
I intend to do good so many times, to be selfless and loving, and unfortunately it doesn’t necessarily match up the things I do; because its not as automatic as it sounds. And my question is..dear Karma do you even consider my will to be good, or are you always busy keeping your tit for tat philosophy going ??
Sometimes, my heart is full of anger, and resentment and probably wishing death on people I haven’t forgiven yet( because forgiveness is a journey);and it produces negativity around me and leave no place for compassion or love. I don’t think I should have to pay for that, being human allows me to do mistakes and to learn to be better..through them everyday.

karma-2NOT EVERYTHING THAT GOES AROUND SHOULD NECESSARILY COME AROUND
I sin a lot and there isn’t possibly anyway I can pay for that, there is suffering in my life but nothing like the terrible things I’ve done over the years.

If there is someone who did me wrong beyond anger, and in my quest to find peace. i always end up  forgiving. In that case you have no say anymore, when i let go, you must let go too..

THE ASPECT OF YOU THAT I BELIEVE IN 

karma-cleanseI will try everyday to do good , as I remember it, because sometimes I may forget to plant seeds of goodness, and peace around me; but if I fail here and there that doesn’t guarantee am burnt..and finished.

and if i do good i will do it because its right nt because am saving myself from future troubles, they are inevitable in life
Sincerely me

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THIS IS WHY I HATE CHRISTMAS (and am not the only one)

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Well did I just say I hate Christmas? i just offended my religious catholic  self, who was supposed to love, cherish and worship Christmas! How can I hate the celebration of the birth of Jesus?  my very own God ? no that’s not what I hate!

I have not always hated Christmas when I was a little girl, I always got new clothes, gifts, treats for Christmas it was all beautiful, and we definitely had to have a Christmas tree. The tree was the biggest deal of it all, i would literally cry for the tree.

As I grew older the excitement fade out.Christmas grew dull, and suddenly there was no tree, none of the things that made me happy. and i became aware of all the disturbing things and thoughts that accompanied Christmas.

 CONGRATULATIONS YOU ARE TRAPPED!!!

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My heart sincerely goes to everyone who is going to be trapped!! In some kind of hypocritical family reunion and be forced to socialize with people they would not want to do anything with. all the annoyingly offensive people on our family tree. The people who have hurt us, or bullied us in some way. because we have to act happy, smile give hugs and compliment,be on our best behavior! BUT no one should ever have to go through that, not for the sake of Christmas!
THE BEFOREs AND THE AFTERs..

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As i write this alot of people have already said this sentence ” his is going to be the first Christmas without him/her”
Having Christmas be more about family and belonging, a lot of things happen over the years and its when everyone is getting together, that many remember the death of a parent, child, spouse , friend.

Something about Christmas aggravates the grief, the loneliness as we remember the good things we aren’t going to share anymore. or the traditions that wont make anymore sense without our loved ones!

WHAT IF MY FAMILY IS AMONG THE BROKEN ONES?

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If not death, alot of other things break our homes and families, separation, conflicts, and divorce..When Christmas happens we are reminded of what was, and what could have been, or if you are a child torn between spending Christmas with which half of the family..or else have to deal with the fact that it doesn’t even feel like Christmas anymore.

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I know deep in my heart, that the joy that Christmas bring to some people and families is real! because the whole context of it is hope, the birth of a savior, a second chance to be reunited with God in our hearts through the messiah!

and my wish for everyone is that this Christmas happens with less drama, less hurt feeling, less loneliness..less misery ..To everyone whose home is broken, to everyone whose lost someone so dear, to everyone who comes from a dysfunctional family, to refugees and everyone else facing hardships this season..

P.S you are not forced to do anything that doesn’t make you feel safe this Christmas

 

do you also have negative feelings towards Christmas? i would like to hear from you! leave a comment

1, 2, 3 BLOOOGGG

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When i opened wordpress tonight..the first thing that fell into my eye was the write button. It somehow seems new because i havent blogged in exactly 78690345000 days , well not the exact number but i havent blogged in like forever! days spent not blogging  are days of pain and disappointment in myself..and if i cant write am miserable so i have been miserable since my last blog post!

 

write..it felt like someone was watching me and new i deeply inside need to write. I don’t have to know how, i don’t have to know what, since being in control of that is overrated. Neither am i going to beat myself over why i haven’t blogged in a long time, and how i feel like i have let down my readers. I cant blame myself for that, since my blessing in disguise came as “MEDICAL SCHOOL” if you know what i mean.

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The now is what i have, and let me use it. My one week Christmas break officially starts today! and since i not only hate Christmas but also have no plans for the entire season , other than stay in bed, ignore my face and hair  then eat..and get fat!

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My Christmas present is going to be spamming wordpress with my blogging..until exams do us apart..

I have missed every single thing about wordpress..about blogging, about amazing people and what they have to say through their writing!

MERRY XMAS EVERYONE!!!

 

 

I AM COMPLETE.

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I am complete, when he comes he will be an extension of who I am, as a whole, as someone who already has a defined identity as someone who is enough for living, for being..

I am complete now, and when he comes we will dissolve as two wholes to make something deeper, but am whole, not just a piece cut on something greater, not just a fragment that won’t make sense unadded to ,

I am complete and when he comes he will find me defined , and knowing who  I am, without him, without anyone but the absolute me that is, the absolute me that lives, a life already full

I am complete that when he comes he will find me with no doubts, of whether I like black or blue so that he can be the one to tell me

I am complete, and when he comes he will find me ready not to hide the nakedness of my soul, my known flaws, and mistakes of the past , he will find me living with them as another thing that makes the whole of my completeness

I am complete, with the self, that loves its self, that forgives itself, that is kind to its self…as if towards someone really important and deserving

I am complete, and joy he will find me with, joy he will find me knowing , so that I am ready to give and with open arms to receive, and that the joy he will bring he will find my heart knowing

And in my completeness and his we will extend. To oneness and form a rock…

The Gallery

fofo103 years ago i stumbled upon an art gallery somewhere in the neighborhood looked at all the painting there and was i awe of how creative the human mind can be, it was too much beauty in one place it was unbelievable i spent hours discussing with an artist i found there about the paintings and if he could teach me and he surprisingly accepted..fofo11

I love arts,  loved arts since i was a child loved the idea of making magic out of nothing.  i spent a few weeks at the studio learning how to mix colors, sketch paint, and admiring  the works of others.

MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT ABSTRACT

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When i gave it a chance it came slowly, and i realized it was in me. like a virtual gallery that was only waiting to be painted out . it made me feel happy but also left me with a sense of longing since i know i was never going to get a chance to do more of it

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the few weeks went by fast and i went to medical school. am paving my way towards the opposite of a part of me that loves art, and make me feel like its my first love..arts, music poetry anything ..

i hold on to writing so that my life won’t be left tasteless, without a touch of arts, and some other thing that connects me to the beauty of arts in the meantime..hoping that one day the doctor life am going to lead is going to leave me time for the other things i love

“Writer’s block : THE REMEDY”

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Before i started writing this post i took a peek at my  blog views today, and no wonder they were embarrassing  because am a lazy brat these days.but i thought to myself that i know how to fix it.  Write as easy as that!

Now that the decision is made the big question is what to write ?? And the answer was nothing fastest answer from the brain! and then i realized i have just written a 2 page email to a friend and that no one was dictating me what to write.

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I don’t believe there are times where there never is something to write, we are just at times a little obsessed with idea of what is going to make our posts just perfect have most likes and comments.

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The only thing that could stop us from writing is if we woke up one day and our thoughts had disappeared. We have billions of thoughts and voices in our heads all the time even when we sleep we dream. Our brain doesn’t rest neither does the world and it’s happenings. We still have nothing to write?? honestly, truth is we just don’t start. or we don’t know what to chose from countless options. You can chose anything, write for you, for the good things writing makes you feel, for the comfort ans escape it can be then the rest doesn’t really matter that much

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And tada! the post i never wanted to write is finished!

Enjoying Lazy days..

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I have been on a break for a week now, having a week without assignments, appointments and responsibilities for the first time in a long long time. and i wanted to get the most of it enjoying the stillness of having nothing on my hands, nothing to look forward to, not even socializing. or worrying about how messy my hair gets..craving cake eating fries and  not get depressed about how big my belly gets..

 

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The town has been feeling like a freaking oven !! making all  my enjoying being by myself almost impossible .Because instead of enjoying long hours of sleep i would be restless trying to find what could be the coolest part of the house. Wearing so little to nothing , laying on the floor opening windows and wishing i was in another part of the country

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But then today felt like a celebration because, God finally answered my silent prayers. it rained, i’ve never been desperate for rain before. The weather is not as  cold as i wish it was still, but the wind smells clean  and the earth feels different. and now it feels like a the right place to enjoy doing nothing at least until Monday

i hope everyone is having a lovely or rather acceptable weather to encourage productivity , bring inspiration or help you enjoy doing nothing like myself..

 

LOVE XX